The End of the Sparrow

If you're subscribed to the BSP Newsletter, you know I've had some big news for a while now.
YOU. HAVE. NO. IDEA.

Let's start with a year ago...




Social media is booming and business is great.  I get a separate phone number just for business calls.  Something to put on the website where I can turn it off after business hours (and at dinner time!!).  My family needed that.  The constant all-hours emails/texts/calls were becoming too much.  Not so much for my family, they're a supportive bunch, but it was too much for me.  I didn't want to be bothered during nighttime books or random Sunday walks, but I just didn't have the willpower to ignore it. I was a single mom for a good while, so when Dennis came around, I didn't know how to turn off that "book everything so all the bills are paid."  There was no "me time."

It's phenomenal what a little patience and chivalry from the right guy will do to a girl.

With stepping down from my head-of-household title, I was able to focus on the broken parts of BSP. Things I didn't have time to notice at all...like how 4 different states now have their own Blue Sparrow Photography.

Finding that was a painful slap in the face.  This was my baby bird raised for 7 years and these jerks that don't know how to Google if a name is in use just come along and set up camp.  A few choice words were used, but what could I do?  Hours of searching online showed that it was going to take thousands of dollars just to legally write a "stop using my business name, poopy head!"  Basically nothing could be done.  Suck it up and shut up.

But they're states away, it's not going to change my business, right?

It's funny how quickly your Instagram hashtags can be overrun, how little you stop them from showing up in your Google searches, and how gut-wrenching it is to get calls and emails meant for THOSE impostors.

Finally I had enough. Surely there was some easy fix.

But then winter holidays happened and I put BSP on the back burner for my family...

Christmas was a blur of good foods and loud family gatherings.
New Years Eve was spent at US Bank watching the Cyclones with our friends and me falling asleep on the car ride home. Fairly certain we didn't actually stay up until midnight....getting old is hard. As excepted, I felt pretty gross the next day...and the day after that. Dennis laughed and gave me the, "we still know how to party" praise.

That wasn't the case though.  A week later, we discovered we were expecting.  Not entirely a "surprise", but earlier than we expected since previous doctors had told him his chances were slim due to the medications he endured to get rid of the cancer a few years earlier.
He was so thrilled that he told his parents the next day...and pretty much everyone he ran into from then on. Dennis even thought up our announcement picture.
With unusually warm January weather and at only 7 weeks along, we ventured outside for pictures.

Thank you, my darling Anna, for taking our pictures!

For a guy who thinks it's acceptable to try to wear gym shoes in pictures, he did come up with a great idea. He was practically hovering over me at the computer to finish editing them and post them online for everyone to see, but I was hesitant.
Something wasn't right.
I felt fear for telling everyone...terror that the girls knew about it....and guilt that I felt that way.

I told Dennis I wanted to wait a few days until announcing it, and the next day the bleeding started. My doctors kept insisting it was normal, it was nothing. They were gentle and kind and answered every time I called.  Eleven days later and still happening, I called again in tears. 

With Dennis still at work, I went in for an ultrasound.  

They greeted me with kind faces and gentle words and told me it was all going to be alright.

But there was no longer a heartbeat.

The next three days were a blur. Mostly I remember telling my mom on the drive home, telling Olivia and watching the heartbreak form in her eyes, and being very very angry.  Dennis wouldn't let me curl in a ball of misery and I was only allowed to cry when no one was around us. 

It sounds cruel when I write it out, but I wouldn't have survived without him forcing me to go outside. Go to the gym. Go get groceries. Go back to work. Just don't stop going. 

I spent the next few months putting on my best fake smile and not texting anyone back. I was more a hermit than ever with everyone except a very small few.

As more and more friends announced pregnancies, I felt my soul rip a little more.  It wasn't their fault, but the pain was almost unbearable. Finding the strength to be happy for them was a literal physical exhaustion...but not being happy for them would be so terrible of me. I mustered and managed.

BSP took the hardest hit from me.  I simply didn't care about it anymore. 

April came along and we ventured south to Gatlinburg for the weekend. We spoke on every topic and enjoyed the company of the other. Laughs and hikes and naps and food.  Everything felt better. Hundreds of miles away, I finally found my real smile again. 

We walked from our hotel to the creek that separated our building from the rest of the town with my camera in tote. The foggy morning light caught my attention the day before, so we woke up early just so I could try to get a picture of it. 

I didn't. There wasn't any fog, so I just watched the ducks.

It was uncomplicated, and it was then that I told Dennis, "I still like taking pictures."
"I know," he simply says, "you just have to get rid of the parts you don't like."

You would think I would have thought of that.  

Sharing my business name with others wasn't making me happy.  Getting calls from confused clients looking for one of them instead of me was irritating.  But I hated most being separated from my business.  Unless you knew me or worked with me, you don't know that Blue Sparrow Photography is owned by Marie.  

That was it. 

My work was where I wanted it, my studio is as perfect as I could get, but it was finally time to leave the Blue Sparrow name. People needed to see a name and know it was me. 

Take the Blue Sparrow, impostors, I don't need it anymore. 

How funny that Dennis's simple sentence was all it took to open my eyes.  He probably forgot he even said it.  Silly man. 

So today, we work on the transition from Blue Sparrow Photography to...

Marie Diane Photography.  My name.  Shouldn't it be so simple?

And that Dennis of mine told me my new logo wasn't "ME" enough.  I shouldn't entirely say goodbye to the sparrow that my tattoo artist, Amy, created for me.  As usual, he was right.

Over the rest of the year, I'll be working on transitioning everything I have to the Marie Diane name. I'll own the domain for Blue Sparrow until my subscription ends and it will find a new home elsewhere.

It was so amazing to let it go.

BUT BUT BUT!!!!

Gatlinburg didn't only give me peace, but it gave us a second chance.  Today we are thrilled to announce our January due date.

12 weeks today! To keep my anxiety at easy, we bought a fetal doppler for home. Aside from the awful all-day "morning" sickness, evertyhing has been going smoothly.
Follow the pregnancy journey on Instagram @MarieDiersing or search #MeadowAudrey

Thank you so much for 7 fantastic years with Blue Sparrow Photography.  I hope to make Marie Diane Photography even more wonderful.

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***2017 UPDATE***

Meadow is a wildly spoiled and wonderfully loved little girl.  Thank you all for the overwhelming support since the release of this post.

Never be afraid to talk about pregnancy loss. It's not taboo and you're not alone.